debriefing on Railey Beach

I love debriefing, I really do. 

It's like a verbal journal entry where you relive the crazy and the calm.  

It's  taking a million puzzle pieces of your adventure, and fitting them together to make something whole. 

Something that makes sense, the sum of it's parts. 

Debriefing validates the journey that you encountered in a real, life giving, and moving way. 

But mostly it challenges me to be different. 

Because why the heck do we travel or volunteer or do anything if it doesn't change us? 

If it doesn't make us better, more loving, more kind, and really...

more like Jesus? 

When I debrief, I pray that God will lead me to some treasure that challenges me, and forces me towards the heavenly. 

And today He did. 

Kevin and I are in Thailand right now on Railey Beach. 

I'll save most of my Railey pictures for another post 

{because honestly I could write 497 posts on this place because it's seriously the most incredible piece of land in the world!!!!}, 

but today I wanted to share a few photos 

while I stumble through some of the thoughts Kevin and I burrowed into. 

We got serious about this debriefing business and printed up a list of about 30 questions that tackled reflection head on. 

We found a lovely cafe on the water, spent some time praying and thanking Abba, and then jumped in. 

We talked about our favorite meals in Nepal. 

Like the time the girls cooked us some delicious mo mo's and samosa's {and gluten free tempura for me}! 

Or when we had the girls to our house and introduced them to tacos and brownies and watched in delight as they found they really enjoyed them! 

The weekly volleyball + sushi outings with Jon and Jenna, or the fun we had with our British friends Matt and Kate, where we learned the finer points of English dialects {and what the word knockered really means}. 

We shared the impact the Nepali's had on us, picking one who imprinted their hands on our hearts. 

Mine was one of the girls, who with so much hurt in her life, chose to celebrate God's word and use it to steer her life. 

Who constantly pulled the treasure of joy from every situation. 

We talked about how working at the home impacted our future plans. 

I can't reveal everything now, but our time at the home in Nepal has changed the trajectory of my life forever 

and i'm planning to go back to school in January- 

those five sweet faces confirming my decision at every turn.  

And lastly, one daunting question read "Complete the last sentence...'For me Nepal means...." 

and I said "freedom". 

freedom with time: 

time to just be. to create space to journal and read. to actually read for fun! 

to waste time with God and with people and not feel pulled in a million directions. 

freedom with myself:

accepting the past and giving myself grace. 

Nepal became a place where I could look objectively at life and realize it's ok to make mistakes, 

that God forgives me and that I can forgive myself. 

and freedom to love 

with all that I have, and to accept the magnanimous love of the girls. 

And then I realized, Nepal changed me. 

It was in that place that God freed me of so much that has held me down in the past. 

And I want to be different, live differently. 

I want to go home and create boundaries of time, and feel the freedom to say "no" to things. 

I want to go home and live a life of forgiveness and grace to all those who surround me, and myself. 

And I want to continue press into the evil of trafficking in hopes that Jesus in me can shine justice and light. 

And in this debriefing, the pieces came together and my puzzle stood before me. 

Freedom. 

{contrary to what this picture may suggest, I have not grown a male "part"! 

My romper evidently decided to stick out at an extremely *ahem* inconvenient place} 

 love, Katie 

and ps- if you need some good debriefing material, I would be glad to send some over:) 

Goodbye Nepal

{one of the sweet girls decorated me with henna!} 

Yesterday I moved with that eery feeling that this was my "last" of everything in Nepal. When I took a shower, I hollered to Kev that this was my "last shower in Nepal!"...and my last "taxi-ride in Nepal" and our "last time walking down this street", etc.

I know, i'm creative in my coping mechanisms!! 

And then last night we went one more time to the girls home, and when we arrived you would have thought the circus had come to town! They were screaming with excitement, and running to the gate to let us in. How in the world did I ever come to deserve this kind of love? I thought to myself. 

The circus led to an impromptu dance party in which we were getting down to some bollywood/nepali/worship songs. It was one of those moments that you almost have an out-of-body-experience and capture that image in your head of music playing/hair flying everywhere/arms raised and smiles abounding. 

When we left, Kevin and I both lost it on the way home, our tears falling into puddles made from fresh fallen rain. At one point through my misty eyes, I looked up at Kevin who was holding me, and then I lost it with laughter! I had forgotten about the gifts the girls had given him...some black knitted gloves (without the fingers), a gold chain, a turquoise ring, and one of them had even painted his nails pink. 

He looked like someone fresh off Jersey Shore. 

If felt so good to laugh those tears out, and we couldn't help but thank God for his sense of humor. 

We leave today and fly to Thailand, and friends, I haven't shared this yet...but we actually are going to spend 3 glorious weeks traveling through South East Asia!! 

Our itinerary is as follows...

Thailand: Krabi/Raillay Beach/Koh Phi Phi

Cambodia: Siem Reap (Ankor Wat)/Phnom Penh

Vietnam: Ho Chi Min City/Hoi An/ Hannoi/ Halong Bay

I know this may seem like a lot, but honestly it is so crazy cheap to travel in these countries!! ONE WEEKs worth of lodging in Thailand was cheaper than ONE NIGHT in Paris. Crazy, I know! And as I used to live and teach English in Thailand, I'm so excited to go back and show Kevin what I experienced there:) 

While I'm gone, I have a few lovely posts coming your way....

- Travel Guest Post: I asked a few of my friends who live abroad to share about their experiences.

- Nepali Wedding pictures: Did I tell you I shot a wedding in Nepal? I did. It was absolutely gorgeous and I felt so blessed to be a part of that....so wedding pictures hopefully soon! 

Thank you ALL for walking this journey with me! It means so so incredibly much, I can't even express how thankful I am for many of you who have prayed for me, emailed me, skyped me, and just supported me and Kevin! Love you all! 

So goodbye Nepal, and hello Thailand:) 

love Katie 

the leaving isn't easy...at all

 Tonight, as I write, we just left the girls home where they threw us a "good-bye" party. Dear readers, five months has come and gone, and somewhere in the mix my heart was given to five little girls who managed to steal a piece of me forever.

In short, i've never known a love like this. A love where five precious children become like flesh and blood, and sparked in me something new, something untouched, something holy.

Now, you have to understand that in all my travels, I generally never cry when leaving a place. Actually, I can't think of a single time when I've shed a tear in my departure. That may sound horrible, but i'm just not someone who cries when leaving people. I guess I just assume i'll see them again.

But for the last few days i've been avoiding the fact that we are leaving Thursday. This Thursday. In some ways I feel incredibly indignant wondering why I must be ripped apart from the people and places that have swollen my heart with love.

But mostly I feel emotional and thankful, grateful that God even gave this gift of Nepal to Kevin and I. We hold it tight and loose at the same time; gripping hard at the memories we will own in the deep recesses of our heart, but letting go because five months is what we knew it would be all along.

This was our special season, a love offering from the One who knows our desires best.

And yet, this gift has been harder to leave behind than I anticipated.

I stepped into the home tonight, and it began right away. These doe-eyed girls staring deep, searching me as if I would somehow confess that we weren't really leaving Thursday, or ever. And I wanted that to be true. With all my heart I did. But it isn't. We have to go.

They made us dinner, and we talked and laughed. But then the gifts started coming, and words began to spill. And after reading the first card I received, I started sobbing.

Sobbing. Hard, body wrenching tears that fall and dampen your clothes so that you have to move lower and lower on your shirt to use as a tissue. And it completely took me off guard. Me, who never cries when leaving, was having a full on sob fest!

The girls were immediately at my side, hemming me in on all sides with those hugs that you want to live in for days. "Don't cry, Katie sister" they repeated. But their tears were just as real and heavy with parting grief, and we locked eyes, glossy and radiant, and whispered the "I love you's" and the "I'll miss you's" and all those sacred words filled with meaning that really can't even express the emotion.

What I really wanted was to just pack them all in my suitcase and take them with me forever. And they joked about that too, and we pretended to make a suitcase with our arms and have them crawl through it. But we all knew the reality, and our charades grew solemn.

The electricity went out, and we sat in darkness, with a small light to fill the room. And one by one they got up and shared something about Kevin and I. Someone translated for them so they could share in the depth they desired. The things they shared took me off guard. It was though I waited for something generic, and was instead greeted with descriptions of the most personal intimate moments between the two of us.

"when I first came to the home, I saw Katie. She came right up to me and gave me a hug. Never had somebody I didn't know just come up and hugged me. I was very scared and sad when I arrived, but something in that hug made me happy and knew I was loved"

To be honest, it feels funny for me to type out what someone else said about me. But there was something in this comment that touched my heart, and made me realize that every small act of kindness we give does not go unnoticed.

You guys, Kevin and I wept like infants. With each girl that stood up, we could not contain the absolute sadness as well as joy that accompanied the words they spoke. I shook while a salty stream ran wild down my face.

One of our staff members has a five year old girl who also lives at the home. Her daughter is literally obsessed with Kevin. Whenever we are at the home, she is sitting on his lap, making him "tea" from her toys, or dancing with him. When this staff member shared about how Kevin became like a father to her daughter, the water works exploded and there was not a dry eye in the room.

When the girls and staff  were finished sharing with us, and I felt certain I had pulled it together, Kevin and I walked up to the front of the room to say a little something to the girls and staff. We looked at one another, a gaze electric and charged with heavy emotion, and looked back at the girls. And then I lost it. I covered my face with my hands while my body let loose, and Kevin worked on regaining his composure. It was like the pipe sprang a leak, and the plumber was no where to be found. Somehow in the midst of the tears, a river of gratitude leapt for our lips as we recounted the last five months. And how these once strangers became our family.

When we were done, the electricity came on and the room was filled with light.

And mostly, we embraced. And rocked. And cried. And smiled. And laughed. And recalled our favorite memories.

And then we made hemp bracelets.

Because as hard as it is to leave, it is harder still not to just sit and enjoy the time we have together.

And so we did. Into the night we made bracelets, and picked beads, and did all the normal things we usually do. Because I really think the best of life is just the building of a life together. Being with others. Laughing with others. Every day, over and over again.

And that's what I'll miss most. Just living side by side with these brave and resilient girls that changed my life, so that I can no longer live the way I used to. I have learned to be more grateful, I have learned to be more courageous, and I have learned to give love even if I've been hurt in the past. They do it every day.

I suppose all I have left to really say is that I fell in love these past five months and that the leaving won't be easy by any means. But the remnants of them I hold dear in my soul will forever make me better, more forgiving, and more loving.

Thank you Jesus for this, this love.

love Katie

** Thank you for staying with me in this post. I suppose it was more of a journal entry than a blog post...a way to reflect and process the massive amount of emotion churning in my soul. Please pray for us as we leave! Thank you!