There was a time...but hope

There was a time I looked in the mirror and despaired. I struggled with acne for so long and wondered how anybody would ever think I was beautiful. I wondered if I’d ever find a man I thought was Godly and handsome and kind and funny.

.hope.

There was a time when I was temporarily paralyzed, and then spent the next few years taking 9 painkillers a day just to walk in the morning and make it through the day, only to be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I wondered if I’d ever feel normal again...if I ever would run and play and be able to wear a swimsuit and not be allergic to the sun.

.hope.

There was a time when I felt deeply wounded by a best friend. The pain went deep and the unreciprocated relationship cut my heart out daily. I wondered if I would ever not flinch when her name came up or someone asked me about her.

.hope.

There was a time when a doctor looked me square in the eye and said "you have Lupus. You probably won't ever be able to get pregnant".

.hope.

There was a time when I believed the lie that I was “too much” and believed that others opinions about me mattered more than Gods opinion about me. I wondered if I’d ever get my life back...because “lost” is what happens when you put the control in others hands.

.hope

Oh dear sweet friend,
wherever you are,
whatever situation you face,
whatever has been said to you,
whatever lies you believe right now.

there is HOPE for something different.

right on the other side of where you are,
God sees a different picture.

When I felt ugly and despairing of finding my love....
God brought healing to my skin and a husband who loved me flaws and all.

When I was incredibly sick....
God brought me to a holistic doctor who nursed me back to thriving health.

When I was wounded by a friend....
God restored and redeemed our relationship into something beautiful.

When I was told "you'll never be able to get pregnant"...
God gifted me two precious children from my womb.

When I believed I was "too much"....
God freed my heart to joyously bask in HIS love as I live my life.

Oh dear one.
This is why, all those years ago, I called my blog hope engaged.

Hope...
it's what I cling to.
And when placed it Christ,
will not disappoint.


" and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:5
 

My health, Part 2

Part 1 is here

Thank you all for your encouraging emails and comments about Part 1 of my health journey. 

It's been 10+ years since I woke up that morning in the dorms feeling paralyzed,

and to say it's been a long haul would somehow minimize the road i've walked. 

"battle" may be an even more appropriate term. 

And like any battle, it required some strategy. 

and while I am not solider or commander, 

it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that our health doesn't suddenly just 

"appear" with fairy dust. 

We've got to DO something to make it happen... 

there must be a plan of attack!! 

At first, my strategy was to follow the doctors orders. 

{I mean, right? that's what normal people do!} 

I took weird medicine that I swear used every letter of the alphabet.

Medicine that knocked me out so deeply that i'd fall on the couch and could literally not get up. 

those were dark days friends, and I missed a lot of life

while my joints and muscles, and heart cried out in fear. in loneliness. 

At some point, when I mustered the courage and energy I had, 

I realized this strategy was like walking deeper into enemy territory,

ie: it was NOT working. 

and not only that…it sucked. 

it sucked the life out of me. 

it sucked the joy from my heart.

it sucked every ounce of energy I had. to do anything. 

I decided it was time to try a new plan of attack. 

one that didn't suck. 

i know…i'm a genius! 

and.it.changed.my.life. 

right after we were married, one of my dearest friends told me about 

a chiropractor that used natural healing methods to treat his patients.

 I was rather intrigued, and figured it couldn't hurt just to see him once or twice! 

Well…two years later, I still see him monthly,

 and the Lord has given me back something precious to me,

my health. 

Friends, I am not a doctor or certified medical person,

but here is what I am…

new. 

Our bodies are amazing, and when treated with the proper and natural treatment, they can thrive again! 

Food was one of the first things I had to change. 

Most autoimmune diseases are the result of a poor functioning intestinal system. 

And mine was inflamed to the 100th degree. 

So I started cutting out foods that aggravated my system. 

The major ones were gluten and dairy. 

At first I freaked out, wondering what the heck I was going to eat!! 

I literally had dreams of donuts and bagels with creme cheese, and ICE CREAM!! 

{ohhh glorious mint chip I love you and want to eat you forever!} 

but soon…

I started to notice I wasn't getting so tired. 

and that my joints didn't feel on fire all the time. 

and that I didn't get achey all over. 

and every appointment that I saw my doctor, he began to realign my nervous system! 

Our brain is what sends signals to every part of our body. 

And if those signals get off course and aren't corrected,

 then our body begins to function poorly. 

I also had a horrid case of parasites 

(lots of international travel + a poor immune system= heaven for these ugly suckers!) 

So, we began to kill them off with natural remedies! 

I'm not really going to go into all the biological info because 

A) I honestly don't know all the proper terminology and 

B) it would take too long! 

But basically, I began to see the light. 

My teary nights became less and less. 

My evenings gained a few hours because I wasn't completely exhausted at 8pm like a granny. 

and my life just felt better…it felt healthy. 

I was a young person doing young things again! 

Nepal was really the biggest test, to see how I'd do back in a CRAZY parasite infested area! 

I certainly had a few nerves about moving there with my health 

But you know what, I did good! 

Yes I got sick a lot, but so did everyone else! 

And at the end of the day, I had energy and life. 

For the first time in 10+ years, I was me again! 

And you know that backpacking trip I blogged about Monday? 

A few years ago, there was NO way on God's green earth that I could have done that. 

My body was too swollen, 

hiking a few small miles put me in bed for the next few days, 

and my circulation could not handle the cold. 

I'd say God's brought me far since then, and I'm so proud that my body was able to do that! 

So for you suffering from some ailment or chronic illness,

healing is available to you. 

Life and health are not out of your reach. 

I'd totally encourage you to look for a natural chiropractic doctor,

that can sit with YOU and know YOUR body,

instead of handing you a chemical prescription he gave the last 100 patients. 

Research! You know your body best! 

Take out certain foods like gluten and dairy and see how your body reacts. 

If one doctor isn't working…try another! 

There should be no guilt and shame about that. 

Lastly, pray that God will lead you to the answers! 

You are never without hope, even when you feel hopeless. 

{and trust me…i've been there many times. 

Why do you think this blog has the word "hope" in it? 

That's what carried me through all this junk…

the hope that someday, maybe, I might get better.}

that day is here:) 

Thanks for sticking with me through this series!! 

and thank you for your prayers! 

God's abundance is ready to pour on you! 

with hope, 

Katie 

My health journey, Part 1

I feel incredibly thankful for you readers. 

Truly, what a beautiful community we have here in blogging. 

One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my life with others. 

To connect. 

To build community. 

To be honest and vulnerable…and real. 

And I realized on Thanksgiving day, after I ran 3 miles straight at our local "Run for Food" race, 

that I was incredibly grateful to be able to run. 

You might look at this and laugh and think 

"3 miles…ppssshhh, that's nothing". 

And if 3 miles is cake to you…YOU GO GIRL! 

But to me, a girl with body broken, this was something. 

It was a victory. 

{on race day…}

And while delighting in this small miracle, 

I also realized how little i've shared with you about my health. 

I'm not really sure the reason. 

Maybe there is a fear that i'll seem whiny, or ungrateful, or just sad. 

And I suppose sometimes I really do feel each of those emotions as though they owned me. 

But they don't own me, and my health doesn't either, 

and in the spirit of being brave, i'm ready. 

To share. 

At least…to being to share. 

My freshman year in the dorms, I woke up one morning and thought I was paralyzed. 

I couldn't move. 

My sweet roommate did my hair, got me dressed, and somehow managed to cart me to the health center.

 My joints were swelled so bad I was practically worthless. 

I couldn't open doors, I had to take massive amounts of pain killers to just get out of bed and walk. 

I felt like a walking arthritis ad. Wasn't that only for 80 year olds? I thought…not 18 year olds.   

For years I was tested for everything under the sun. 

everything came back negative. 

the doctors were baffled. They had no idea. 

So my body was pumped with antibiotics and harsh painkillers. 

and my heart pumped out hurt and confusion, 

and my eyes poured tears. 

every day, every day, every day, and then repeat. 

Psalms 56:8 says that the Lord collects our tears in a bottle. 

I think he must own a whole storeroom of mine. 

A few years out of college, 

I began realizing that I wasn't going to get better by just believing the doctors confusion.

 I decided it was high time to do some research of my own. 

One day I happened upon a link that said 

"If you have 4 or more of these symptoms, you may have Lupus"

I had 9 of the symptoms. 

I marched myself right into the hospital and kindly/frantically asked if I could be tested for Lupus. 

it was positive. 

I'll never forget that day.

 I opened the results, and I wept. 

I was scared, 

but also grateful that I had uncovered the first step in getting better. 

But it was still a long road. 

My very first appointment with a rheumatologist after my diagnosis 

was thick was fear. 

I was told:

- you can't have kids

-you are allergic to the sun, and must be covered AT ALL TIMES

and

-you must be on medications for the rest of your life because Lupus is a chronic disease. 

in a dazed stupor I stumbled home and proceeded to cry myself into a literal mess. 

the kind of low howling cry where tears and snot and hair mingle and you look as though you just crawled out of a swamp. 

red eyes puffy, and pain oozing from every fiber and cell in my body. 

The truth was,

I wanted to have kids, and I loved the sun, and I never wanted to take medication ever again. 

never ever ever! 

But the doctors orders were completely opposite. 

On my way out the door at the doctors, 

I was handed an old ladies magazine full of SPF clothing that would help keep me "safe" from a Lupus flare. 

I opened the first page and was mortified to discover that what they wanted to sell me was 

visors, and big brimmed hats and baggy clothes and just generally 

old people doing old people things. 

this just isn't fair! I cried. 

I'm not old. 

I don't want to do old people things! 

and so I began to hide. 

I wore floppy big hats everywhere, even in my car. 

I covered every inch of my body with fabric. 

I lost my tan and became pasty white. 

And I began to resent normal people who wore normal clothes

like tank tops and swim suits. 

I'll never forget one day at the beach in Santa Cruz. 

I was literally covered head to toe in clothing, with a huge floppy hat on (from the dang magazine!)

and I just snapped. 

I was so envious of all my family around me that just ran around in suits like it was 

no big thang. 

and it was no big thing…

normal people wear bathing suits. 

for any of you that have struggled with a chronic illness, you get this. 

You get that "normal" things are so enticing and dreamy when you can't have them. 

and you "get" the emotional pain attached to the physical pain. 

but this story ends in hope, I promise. 

it's a long one, so i'll share more soon in Part 2. 

thank you for giving me the space to share this part of my life with you. 

in a sense, it's liberating! 

and Jesus has done so much, so i'm excited to share more! 

and as a last word, if any of you are struggling with health, I'd love to pray for you:) 

so send me an email!! 

Happy Monday dear ones! 

It's December…WOO HOO!! 

much love,

Katie 

To read more, Part 2 is {here}

food for the body, food for the soul

this past week the Lord was kind to me. 

He is always kind, 

but often I am too preoccupied with "my plan" 

to see the hidden treasures in HIS. 

A few of you may know that I have an autoimmune disorder called lupus. 

It's been a journey, it really has. 

For years I struggled not knowing what was going on in my body. 

the physical pain unbearable at times,

and the emotional and psychological strain even more so. 

my freshman year in college I woke up and couldn't move, and so began a 2 year long testing of all that could potentially be wrong with me. 

the doctors were stumped, they had no idea. 

i could hardly walk without 9 advil a day, and running became a stretch. 

i looked perfectly healthy on the outside, but I wasn't on the inside. 

a few years out of college, frustrated, I started doing my own research.

i walked into the doctors, convinced it was lupus, and asked them to test me. 

they did.

it was positive. 

the ups and downs were difficult, but I was thankful to know what was going on in my body. 

The years following, I saw little improvement. 

however, the last year and a half i've been seeing an amazing doctor who uses a very holistic approach to treating me. 

i've healed in tremendous ways. 

i have more energy, i'm not as achey or tingly, my strength has returned.  

to sum it up, I feel like a normal person again. 

yet, in the last year, i've changed my diet and gone off gluten, dairy and soy. 

wow, what a difference that made! it was amazing! 

and this last month, my doctor found some things that needed healing, and prescribed me a diet of just veggies, fruit and meat. {that's right...JUST veggies, fruits and meat!}

yikes! it's been hard, but i've already seen an improvement. 

i ran on Friday, like fully went on a run, without joint pain, for the first time in 3 1/2 years. 

i.couldn't.believe.it. 

but eating so strictly can certainly be tough, especially when invited places. 

last week, I was bringing dinner to a friend's house who had just had a baby. 

Because it was far away, I just stopped by Corner Bakery and bought them their favorite meal. 

when I got to their house, I realized I was starving. 

but I had no food, and there were no places around to buy the food I could eat. 

a tear rolled down my cheek as I sat in the car. 

Here I was bringing food to my friend Kierra.

I didn't want to ask her if she could feed me. 

how embarrassing! I was coming to feed HER! 

But I prayed "Lord, please provide something, anything, that I might be able to eat"

I knocked on the door to greet my sweet friends and their new baby. 

In less that five minutes, when I sheepishly admitted to them my new eating habits, they graciously whipped me up a bunch of cooked veggies and fruit. 

I sat in complete awe. 

God had heard my small prayer,

without much faith. 

and yet He cared. 

He heard me, and He provided. 

His tender heart, 

it blessed me. 

and then today,

my sweet husband took me on a date to a raw, vegan, restaurant called 118 Degrees. 

it was delicious, and I walked away overcome with blessing. 

i thank God for that man who has blessed me in this health journey. 

the Lord longs to provide.  

May we look to the small ways that the Lord blesses us. 

For it is food for our soul, those remembrances. 

If any of you have ever struggled with their health, I would love to hear from you, and pray for you! It can be a battle, but we are not alone:) 

much love and HAPPY MONDAY,

love Katie