the leaving isn't easy...at all

Monday, August 19


 Tonight, as I write, we just left the girls home where they threw us a "good-bye" party. Dear readers, five months has come and gone, and somewhere in the mix my heart was given to five little girls who managed to steal a piece of me forever.

In short, i've never known a love like this. A love where five precious children become like flesh and blood, and sparked in me something new, something untouched, something holy.

Now, you have to understand that in all my travels, I generally never cry when leaving a place. Actually, I can't think of a single time when I've shed a tear in my departure. That may sound horrible, but i'm just not someone who cries when leaving people. I guess I just assume i'll see them again.

But for the last few days i've been avoiding the fact that we are leaving Thursday. This Thursday. In some ways I feel incredibly indignant wondering why I must be ripped apart from the people and places that have swollen my heart with love.

But mostly I feel emotional and thankful, grateful that God even gave this gift of Nepal to Kevin and I. We hold it tight and loose at the same time; gripping hard at the memories we will own in the deep recesses of our heart, but letting go because five months is what we knew it would be all along.

This was our special season, a love offering from the One who knows our desires best.

And yet, this gift has been harder to leave behind than I anticipated.

I stepped into the home tonight, and it began right away. These doe-eyed girls staring deep, searching me as if I would somehow confess that we weren't really leaving Thursday, or ever. And I wanted that to be true. With all my heart I did. But it isn't. We have to go.

They made us dinner, and we talked and laughed. But then the gifts started coming, and words began to spill. And after reading the first card I received, I started sobbing.

Sobbing. Hard, body wrenching tears that fall and dampen your clothes so that you have to move lower and lower on your shirt to use as a tissue. And it completely took me off guard. Me, who never cries when leaving, was having a full on sob fest!

The girls were immediately at my side, hemming me in on all sides with those hugs that you want to live in for days. "Don't cry, Katie sister" they repeated. But their tears were just as real and heavy with parting grief, and we locked eyes, glossy and radiant, and whispered the "I love you's" and the "I'll miss you's" and all those sacred words filled with meaning that really can't even express the emotion.

What I really wanted was to just pack them all in my suitcase and take them with me forever. And they joked about that too, and we pretended to make a suitcase with our arms and have them crawl through it. But we all knew the reality, and our charades grew solemn.

The electricity went out, and we sat in darkness, with a small light to fill the room. And one by one they got up and shared something about Kevin and I. Someone translated for them so they could share in the depth they desired. The things they shared took me off guard. It was though I waited for something generic, and was instead greeted with descriptions of the most personal intimate moments between the two of us.

"when I first came to the home, I saw Katie. She came right up to me and gave me a hug. Never had somebody I didn't know just come up and hugged me. I was very scared and sad when I arrived, but something in that hug made me happy and knew I was loved"

To be honest, it feels funny for me to type out what someone else said about me. But there was something in this comment that touched my heart, and made me realize that every small act of kindness we give does not go unnoticed.

You guys, Kevin and I wept like infants. With each girl that stood up, we could not contain the absolute sadness as well as joy that accompanied the words they spoke. I shook while a salty stream ran wild down my face.

One of our staff members has a five year old girl who also lives at the home. Her daughter is literally obsessed with Kevin. Whenever we are at the home, she is sitting on his lap, making him "tea" from her toys, or dancing with him. When this staff member shared about how Kevin became like a father to her daughter, the water works exploded and there was not a dry eye in the room.

When the girls and staff  were finished sharing with us, and I felt certain I had pulled it together, Kevin and I walked up to the front of the room to say a little something to the girls and staff. We looked at one another, a gaze electric and charged with heavy emotion, and looked back at the girls. And then I lost it. I covered my face with my hands while my body let loose, and Kevin worked on regaining his composure. It was like the pipe sprang a leak, and the plumber was no where to be found. Somehow in the midst of the tears, a river of gratitude leapt for our lips as we recounted the last five months. And how these once strangers became our family.

When we were done, the electricity came on and the room was filled with light.
And mostly, we embraced. And rocked. And cried. And smiled. And laughed. And recalled our favorite memories.

And then we made hemp bracelets.

Because as hard as it is to leave, it is harder still not to just sit and enjoy the time we have together.

And so we did. Into the night we made bracelets, and picked beads, and did all the normal things we usually do. Because I really think the best of life is just the building of a life together. Being with others. Laughing with others. Every day, over and over again.

And that's what I'll miss most. Just living side by side with these brave and resilient girls that changed my life, so that I can no longer live the way I used to. I have learned to be more grateful, I have learned to be more courageous, and I have learned to give love even if I've been hurt in the past. They do it every day.

I suppose all I have left to really say is that I fell in love these past five months and that the leaving won't be easy by any means. But the remnants of them I hold dear in my soul will forever make me better, more forgiving, and more loving.

Thank you Jesus for this, this love.

love Katie


** Thank you for staying with me in this post. I suppose it was more of a journal entry than a blog post...a way to reflect and process the massive amount of emotion churning in my soul. Please pray for us as we leave! Thank you!



38 comments :

  1. A life and love shared: what beauty. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to say goodbye Katie. Thank you Jesus forgiving these girls to Katie and kev, and for giving Katie and Kev to these girls.

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  2. Katie what a beautiful heart wrenching post! I'm sending prayers as I type this for you and Kevin to be filled with a peace from the Lord that will wrap you up and carry you safely home. I live in awe of everything you have done for those girls and can't believe your time there is already over! Peace be with you and Kevin Katie and know that you have already changed so many hearts and broadened so many minds by working there and sharing your stories for us here in the US. Love you Katie.

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  3. Oh Katie, I can't imagine how difficult is must be to leave the girls you've spent so much time investing in. And they've invested so much in you. But I also can't begin to imagine what a blessing your time together has been for everyone involved. Sending lots of love and prayers your way <3

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  4. Wow Katie. Love you my sweet friend. I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave but just know that The Lord has amazing things in store for your future, and that He needs your unique heart to minister in other areas now! (as hard as that is to accept) Perhaps one day you'll be back to visit Nepal again with your husband :)
    Love always, Jess

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  5. <3 I love how Nepal has etched a place in your heart. I know you've made such an impact in their lives. I love how you are always being the hands and feet of Jesus. <3

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  6. Praying for you Katie - what a beautiful post! I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave, but amazing how you will be able to take that love back to the US and help so many more! xo

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing this! I love seeing your heart for people from all over the world. I can't wait to hear more about how the Father has worked in and through you while in Nepal. Praying for you through the transition :)

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  8. This post was so lovely and perfectly emblematic of what God's Love is. Thank you so much for sharing this story and for sharing your life there with those wonderful girls. The love that all of you were able to share has grown deeper roots and spread further, and there's a brighter and more beautiful future because of it. Love, blessings and prayers for you and Kevin, as well as the girls, as you all journey forward.

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  9. I know what you're going through--that's the hardest kind of leaving there ever is. Praying for you guys!

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  10. I can only imagine at how your heart is breaking to leave these precious girls that you have touched forever and who have touched you forever. How PRECIOUS our God is when He wraps peoples hearts and lives together- for a short or a long time here on earth. I can only imagine the REJOICING that we will have in Heaven as we will never have to part with not only our precious Savior but those whom we love dearly. May the Lord bless you and keep you as you leave this precious season and embark on the new path that He has put forth before you. May HE comfort you in the special and unique ways that only He can. Prayers and lots of love to y'all. Love you friend, Rebecca

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  11. My eyes are getting all "watery" just reading this. I'm so grateful that you were given this season in Nepal and willingly shared pieces and parts of it with us on here. I'm not really sure what else to say, but you'll be on my heart and in my prayers as you and Kev journey back to Cali.

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  12. God Bless you for the work you and your husband have done there! Goodbyes are so hard but stay positive and remember the amazing experience you had there :) safe travels!

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  13. Wow, I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave the girls. It's amazing to hear how God used you and your husband to change those girls' lives.

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  14. Praying for safe travels back home Katie =) Think of all the "seeds" of love from Christ you planted in each one of those girls!

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  15. Katie, this post makes me want to cry and hug you. It's so sweet and heartfelt. I am so encouraged by the time y'all have spent in Nepal and I can't imagine how hard the goodbye's must be. Praying for you these last few days and for your safe journies. Much love!

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  16. What a sweet and precious time you've had. I'm so sorry that it's so hard to be leaving such dear friends. It sounds like you have made some wonderful memories and friendships there. Praying for you!

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  17. Dear girl, this post brought me to tears! I can't believe your five months is already up! What a blessing that you were able to see the depths you have reached in these girls' lives. You have made a forever impact!

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  18. I only now what it's like to leave after 2 weeks. I can't imagine months. I'm thinking about you & praying. How has that many months passed already?? When do y'all return home?

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  19. "...and then we made hemp bracelets." I love this post Katie. I will be praying for you as you prepare to leave. I know you may physically be leaving Nepal, but your work there will continue through the people you loved on! xoxo

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  20. oh wow. i think this was the first time i've cried from another person's post. how amazing that you were able to have such a deep impact on girl's who need it the most. you are a true inspiration for what you do and i honestly hope that i get to experience the same thing one day.

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  21. My goodness I hurt for your broken heart. I am a big crier at goodbyes and saying goodbye to people you have come to love is absolutely the worst. You have changed their lives and they have changed yours. God's love is beautiful.

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  22. My eyes are filled with tears as I read this. amazing. what a blessing you have been to those sweet girls. what a gift from God you are!!! praying for you and kevin as you make your way back home.......so we can PLAY!!! (: xoxoxoxo

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  23. This is one of the most heartfelt and beautiful blog posts I've read for a long time. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  24. Oh Katie...I hate goodbyes. Especially when you have experienced something like you have there in Nepal. But there is more to come!

    This is one of my favorite quotes and it always seems to help when I am faced with change...

    “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” C.S. Lewis

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  25. My eyes are filled with tears and my heart with such joy and sorrow at the same time. I felt the same way when I left from Bolivia. To know you have touched the hearts of those who need such a love the most, but knowing that the impact they have had on you is insurmountable. Praying for you both as you make the transition home, that you would be forever changed by this experience and that it would permanently brand you with His love, mercy, and compassion that you may go forth continuing the good work He has already begun in you!

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  26. wow the time flew by katie! it's so difficult to say good bye to those that have touched your life tremendously. i love what they wrote about you. many that come with a broken heart have never really experienced a true hug full of love. how wonderful that you were able to provide that for her. it's so beautiful how you and your husband have allowed the Spirit to lead you where you are needed. bless you, bless you!!

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  27. This is beautiful. My eyes were brimming with tears, and I have not even known your story until today... What an amazing and life alternation opportunity. When I was younger I spent a month in Albania and it forever changed me. The memories get distant, because it was so long ago for me, but it stays with me... I pray Gods peace be with you as you leave these loved 'family' members and make this transition..

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  28. This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing the last 5 months with us Katie!

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  29. Praying for you dear sister as you and your husband leave.. You guys have made such an impact on these girls and they will carry you with them for the rest of their lives. :)

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  30. Thank you for sharing... such an amazing gift you've given these daughters of God.

    XO,
    Catherine

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  31. Such a beautiful post! I can only imagine the heartache of leaving those special girls. Is there any way to keep in touch with them? I will pray for God to heal your heart and just know he has wonderful things in store for you!

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  32. tears started forming just reading this! I am so grateful to Abba for having you and Kevin there. He is so proud. Love you,
    Amanda

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  33. tears started forming just reading this! I am so grateful to Abba for having you and kevin there. He is so proud.
    Love you,
    Amanda

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  34. Oh sweet friend, this post made me cry with you. You know, I started reading your blog just before you guys moved to Nepal. Over the past five months, I have been so inspired by your lives there. The way you have poured your heart into those girls and the way you have followed God's calling, I just love it. I'm so glad I met you via this blog world. :)

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  35. It is great that your hug had such a great impact when it was such a small thing to do. I am sure it is hard to even receive a hug when all the "touch" some of these girls know are negative ones. I am glad that there was a positive one for this girl to cherish for the rest of her days. Why can't you stay there longer or work there for a longer time?
    +Victoria+

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  36. This is so beautiful! I definitely cried reading it. What a wonderful impact you had on those girls, and on everyone whose been blessed to read about your journey. I'm sure God has wonderful plans for you and your husband back home :)

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  37. I had to stop reading this post for a minute or I would cry! I hate saying goodbye, especially in a situation like that because you'll never be back there in the same situation. That's something that is terribly hard to say goodbye to. God is great and has blessed you with those wonderful girls who touched your heart.

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  38. Hi Katie!

    This post is SO beautiful. It's amazing how much you and Kevin had an impact on the girls, and how much of an impact they had on you all. There's a part of me that feels like I'll miss you all being in Nepal!! I love hearing about what you all are doing there. BUT I know that wherever you all are, you all will be a light and showing love to everyone you all come across. I'll be praying for safe travels and peaceful hearts.

    Love, Hannah

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I LOVE hearing from you friend:) Your comment will make my day!