forgiveness...learning to walk in the light {what God taught me in Nepal}

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Nepal taught me many things. 

Like how to cook a meal in the pitch black dark of night, 

how to wrap a sari so that you don't flash the whole free world, 

or even how to catch every parasite on the planet. 

Very useful things like that that i'm sure I will carry with me all my live-long days.  

But what I didn't quite expect while in Nepal, 

was for God to really come at me hard core and give my heart some CPR. 

Because boy, I needed it. 

Before I left for Nepal, I prayed that God would make me different. 

I heard him speak the word metamorphosis over me, 

which basically means to be transformed, 

have a marked change, 

become a new creature. 

After I got over my weird connotation to that word which involved grass hoppers and other insects

 shedding their skin to become something new (ummm...gross), 

I yearned for God to make me better and I was down to let the business of metamorphosis happen. 

However that...um....might take place. 

Now let me tell you a secret about myself. 

I'm a sensitive person. 

I take things personally. 

And I sometimes internalize situations the wrong way. 

So before I moved to Nepal, there were some remnants of unforgiveness in my heart. 

I mean, I had technically forgiven those people, 

but when bitterness still seems to be throwing parties in your heart of hearts, 

there's obviously some work that still needs to be done. 

My mornings in Nepal were both early and quiet. 

In the stillness, I became vulnerable and painfully exposed to my sin. 

It was like that humiliating dream where you find yourself butt naked in a public place, 

and it's.just.all.hanging.out. 

and you're cupping your privates for dear life 

and you're like "OMG, why am I standing naked on my high school campus? How did I forget my clothes?" 

But in this situation with God, it's like his grace gives you back your clothes and your dignity. 

He just covers up your shame, and says "let's work on this together". 

Being exposed all of a sudden became the first step in dealing with my hurting heart.  

I started reading Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" which I would absolutely recommend. 

The chapter on forgiveness changed my life. 

"Unforgivness makes us sick" she said, and yes, it had in my case. 

I started to realize the biblical narrative associated with forgiveness and unforgiveness, 

or rather "walking in the light" and "walking in the darkness". 

Nothing illuminated this more to me than the verses in 1 John 2:9-11 that say,

"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 

Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 

But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness;

he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." 

The first time I stumbled upon this verse in my naked glory,

I proverbially saw the light.  

It convicted my heart that anytime I choose to hold a hurt over the perpetrators head,

I was willingly choosing to walk in the darkness. 

Because that was really my problem...

even though I had used my mouth to utter the words  "I forgive you", 

Satan loved bringing the hurt back into my mind over and over again, 

and then it was like the bitterness would surge 

and I would have not-so-very-nice-thoughts towards that person. 

But there is not room in the light to rehearse the evil and stay revengeful.

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I'm not saying you don't work through the hurt you experienced, 

but I am saying you can't continue to walk around with hate and bitterness in your heart. 

{Well...technically you can, but then you choose to walk in the darkness.}

And from my own experience, walking in the dark sucks. 

It makes you depressed, and unhappy, and crazy. 

So I had a chat with God. And I told him I wanted him to clean out my heart and mind. 

I told him that I wanted to have loving thoughts for those that hurt me,

that I wanted to shower grace, and be reminded of God's grace for me. 

And you know what? 

It was a process, but God did a miracle. 

He heard my prayers and pleas to teach me how to walk in the light,

and he put me on the right track. 

The "light" track, so to speak:) 

And that's how I feel. 

Light, and peaceful and free. 

Something that i've been coveting for years, 

but realized you cannot have when you

have unforgiveness issues. 

with forgiveness, comes peace. 

This post is personal to me, so very personal. 

It exposes my sin and hopefully helps you to get a deeper glimpse of my heart. 

But I wanted to share it today because I doubt I'm the only one that's been hurt in life, 

and I doubt i'm the only one that has had to face forgiveness in the face. 

so friend...I hope this has encouraged you in some small way! 

I would love to pray for any of you walking through a season like this! Drop me an email:) 

Happy Wednesday friends, 

love Katie