forgiveness...learning to walk in the light {what God taught me in Nepal}

Wednesday, September 18

Nepal taught me many things. 
Like how to cook a meal in the pitch black dark of night, 
how to wrap a sari so that you don't flash the whole free world, 
or even how to catch every parasite on the planet. 
Very useful things like that that i'm sure I will carry with me all my live-long days.  

But what I didn't quite expect while in Nepal, 
was for God to really come at me hard core and give my heart some CPR. 
Because boy, I needed it. 

Before I left for Nepal, I prayed that God would make me different. 
I heard him speak the word metamorphosis over me, 
which basically means to be transformed, 
have a marked change, 
become a new creature. 
After I got over my weird connotation to that word which involved grass hoppers and other insects
 shedding their skin to become something new (ummm...gross), 
I yearned for God to make me better and I was down to let the business of metamorphosis happen. 
However take place. 

Now let me tell you a secret about myself. 
I'm a sensitive person. 
I take things personally. 
And I sometimes internalize situations the wrong way. 
So before I moved to Nepal, there were some remnants of unforgiveness in my heart. 
I mean, I had technically forgiven those people, 
but when bitterness still seems to be throwing parties in your heart of hearts, 
there's obviously some work that still needs to be done. 

My mornings in Nepal were both early and quiet. 
In the stillness, I became vulnerable and painfully exposed to my sin. 
It was like that humiliating dream where you find yourself butt naked in a public place, 
and it's.just.all.hanging.out. 
and you're cupping your privates for dear life 
and you're like "OMG, why am I standing naked on my high school campus? How did I forget my clothes?" 
But in this situation with God, it's like his grace gives you back your clothes and your dignity. 
He just covers up your shame, and says "let's work on this together". 

Being exposed all of a sudden became the first step in dealing with my hurting heart.  

I started reading Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" which I would absolutely recommend. 
The chapter on forgiveness changed my life. 
"Unforgivness makes us sick" she said, and yes, it had in my case. 

I started to realize the biblical narrative associated with forgiveness and unforgiveness, 
or rather "walking in the light" and "walking in the darkness". 

Nothing illuminated this more to me than the verses in 1 John 2:9-11 that say,

"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 
Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 
But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness;
he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." 

The first time I stumbled upon this verse in my naked glory,
I proverbially saw the light.  

It convicted my heart that anytime I choose to hold a hurt over the perpetrators head,
I was willingly choosing to walk in the darkness. 
Because that was really my problem...
even though I had used my mouth to utter the words  "I forgive you", 
Satan loved bringing the hurt back into my mind over and over again, 
and then it was like the bitterness would surge 
and I would have not-so-very-nice-thoughts towards that person. 

But there is not room in the light to rehearse the evil and stay revengeful.

I'm not saying you don't work through the hurt you experienced, 
but I am saying you can't continue to walk around with hate and bitterness in your heart. 
{Well...technically you can, but then you choose to walk in the darkness.}
And from my own experience, walking in the dark sucks. 
It makes you depressed, and unhappy, and crazy. 

So I had a chat with God. And I told him I wanted him to clean out my heart and mind. 
I told him that I wanted to have loving thoughts for those that hurt me,
that I wanted to shower grace, and be reminded of God's grace for me. 

And you know what? 
It was a process, but God did a miracle. 
He heard my prayers and pleas to teach me how to walk in the light,
and he put me on the right track. 
The "light" track, so to speak:) 

And that's how I feel. 
Light, and peaceful and free. 
Something that i've been coveting for years, 
but realized you cannot have when you
have unforgiveness issues. 

with forgiveness, comes peace. 

This post is personal to me, so very personal. 
It exposes my sin and hopefully helps you to get a deeper glimpse of my heart. 
But I wanted to share it today because I doubt I'm the only one that's been hurt in life, 
and I doubt i'm the only one that has had to face forgiveness in the face. 
so friend...I hope this has encouraged you in some small way! 

I would love to pray for any of you walking through a season like this! Drop me an email:) 

Happy Wednesday friends, 
love Katie 


  1. Thanks for sharing, Katie. I really need to work on trusting God that He will forgive me of my sins and that I need to come out of the darkness.

  2. Thank you for sharing sweet friend. This had definitely encouraged me. I too hold unforgiveness in my heart and need to seek the light. Thank you for reminding me and showing me the way.

  3. You are amazing!!

    This beautiful post has left me breathless...thank you so much for sharing!!

  4. Oh, this resonates with me deeply. I'm also trying to let go of hurt and bitterness. Thank you for sharing these lovely thoughts.

  5. Katie- i love your transparency in this blog post!
    reminds me of how we were talking about donald miller's style the other day :)
    real, honest people are the most personable and entertaining to read!
    love you!

  6. i love your transparency in this post kate.
    it reminds me of how we were talking about how we love donald miller's writing style because he is hilariously easy to relate.
    love you

  7. Well said, Katie :) You expressed this beautifully; thank you for sharing :) Love you tons!

  8. This was beautiful and so encouraging Thanks for sharing!

  9. Needed this. Currently loving & hating the truth/beauty in this post. I too have been holding on to forgiveness. And the Lord is nudging me the same way... Thanks for the reminder friend!

  10. Beautifully said Katie and such an inspirational wake-up call - definitely need to re-examine my heart - thank you.

  11. I know what you speak of dear friend. Been there, had to forgive some deep hurts. Proud of you for continuing to lean in. God is at work and fine tuning every part of your heart so you can be free and light. I pray we all continue to walk in that freedom. Oh how he loves us so! I praise Him for this story. Can't wait to see you!

  12. Thank you for sharing. Been there. Proud of you for leaning in and receiving the lightness and freedom. I pray we all continue to walk in that bright place. Praise God for the work he is doing in your life. Can't wait to see you.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, dear friend! I am an extremely sensitive person and, unfortunately, have been deeply wounded by some people who I should be able to trust. God is doing such a work on my heart about this and it's nice knowing I'm not alone.

  14. Love this so much Katie. That verse is beautiful and so profound. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Definitely a reminder I'm in constant need of! :)

  15. This is beautiful. Do us all a favor and write a book/devotional/something! You have a beautiful way with words without sounding condescending & judgmental. Thanks for your wisdom. Love you friend!

  16. this was beautiful, and so telling of your change of heart. Thanks for sharing.

  17. Powerful words Katie!
    It is so difficult to truly forgive and forget but when you do, the freedom feels amazing!
    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    x Natalie

  18. I love you my sweet friend. I'm so glad God cocooned you in Nepal. :-)

  19. You honesty is so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for your example of love and forgiveness.

  20. It is encouraging to hear what the Lord is teaching you in this time! While I cannot exactly relate, the Lord pointed out some key things in my heart. Thank you for being vulnerable in this community. We all need that to grow. and the Lord is using you through this post!

  21. this post is exactly what i needed to read today. thank you for being open & vulnerable... it really is an encouragement to others. if no one talked about things like this we would all be walking around thinking we were the only ones going through this. thank you for reminding me that i'm not alone. thank you for the hope of ridding bitterness. i'm not quite there yet, but knowing you've come through the same situation and are on the other side gives me hope and points to how big our God is! :)

  22. "In the stillness, I became vulnerable and painfully exposed to my sin. " I have come to see that God does amazing work when we are vulnerable and defenseless of any covering to hide behind. I have seen this in my own life when I felt a proverbial nakedness while exposing deep-rooted bitterness and hurt and in return, God covered me with his grace, forgiveness, and outpouring of His love. He replaced my own cloak of self-preservation with his garment of beautiful freedom. The Enemy wants to keep us comfortably covered up in our own self-pity and self-righteousness, so when we get to that season in life when we feel naked of any of our prior defenses, it hurts. It REALLY hurts. It's awkward and strange. It's even scary. But if we stop looking at our own defenseless state and instead put our eyes on Jesus, we slowly start to see the work that he is starting.
    Thank you for being vulnerable with your readers and sharing your heart.

  23. Oh dear friend, this convicted me this morning. Wow, did it ever. God convicted me to stop CHOOSING to walk in the darkness of sadness, hopelessness and unforgiveness towards my dad for his affair. You say we choose it?! HA! That was a holy slap across the face! I choose to be in darkness by not extending the Grace and mercy and forgiveness of JESUS towards my dad? Yup. You're right. Thank you dear heart for calling me out. For humbly bowing yourself low enough before the cross to see me down in my pit below it. Thank you for lifting me up, into the light, through your true deep HEAVENLY call for forgiveness. Please pray for me as I embark on a metamorphosis of my own. A transformation by and of grace. Just to look a little bit more each day like our mighty Savior, His servant heart, humble and trusting before our God. Love you sister.

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  25. Such beautiful words friend. such truth and vulnerability. It is so amazing how "light" we feel when we abandon the darkness and seek forgiveness. It is indeed a process, one that will continue, and one that I will be in prayer for you about. Thanks for opening up your heart! Praying for His continued presence to guide you in the light and guard your heart from slipping into the darkness. Know you are not alone in this journey, and as this season passes, I pray for a renewing like spring in your spirit!

  26. Amen amen amen. The Lord took me through this about a year ago and it was awful, terrible, embarrassing and beautiful. I still can't fathom the peace He allowed me to experience after confronting and truly forgiving. He took the bitterness out of my heart and replaced it with true peace. Just like you said, it's beautiful and amazing!!! Praise God!!

  27. I just love this sweet friend! How true & so words I need to pray through and check my own heart on. Its such a hard hard thing, I too struggle with being super sensitive and often taking things too personally =)
    But He is able to take those things and turn them into beautiful attributes =)
    Much Love!!


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