Peace from Pain

This morning I woke, rays of sunshine on my face and undeserved peace welling deep within. 

I smiled, and whispered a loaded thank you to the Lord. 

This season of peace has been beautiful for so many reasons.

In the last two years, sweet Abba has restored this heart of mine. 

From fear and failure to faith and freedom. 

From pain and anxiety to perfect peace. 

You see, around the time Kevin and I were first married, 

a slew of unspeakably difficult emotional hurricanes blew into our lives. And with force, this storm drove deep within my soul and untethered all that I knew to be true about myself. It was the unearthing of sin and bad habits that somehow sat right in front of my face. It was the gale of past hurts and pain that glaringly haunted my thoughts. 

And it was winds of external situations that kept slamming and howling into our lives...

Kevin's mother was in the midst of fighting cancer, 

many of our close friends had moved away and we felt a bit lonely. 

We had a foreign visitor show up unexpectedly on a front door step THE DAY WE GOT BACK FROM OUR HONEYMOON to stay for 2 months!! {that's a book in itself!}

Kevin's parents house flooded. 

I found out some devastating news about some people I loved very dearly that made me very confused and hurt, 

my health was failing,  

In some moments, I felt as though my world was falling apart and I was drowning and didn't know how to stay afloat.

{The incredible silver lining in those dark hours was my marriage. 

By God's grace, no matter what was happening outside of our home, 

our marriage was loving and beautiful, true and real, 

honest and perfect in the way God made it. 

Kevin will forever be my hero.} 

But in that time, 

I woke up almost every morning with fear, panic, and anxiety ruling my emotions.

 I'd never experienced something like this before, it almost paralyzed me. 

I didn't feel God. 

I second guessed every single decision I made. 

I wondered if I'd ever feel peace again. 

In some ways, I was just surviving. 

but I made it through the wreckage, and what has emerged has been nothing less than a miracle.
{which I will be sharing more with you about later!} 

But today, over two years later I smile and think about the faithfulness of God. 

The intensity of His promise to 

make all things new. 

The truth of His words when He tell me He has GOOD plans for me. 

THe integrity of his words when He gently whispers "Katie, I will never leave you nor forsake you". 

The Lord is fierce in His love for us. 

Unrelenting

and Kind. 

Unbelievably Kind. 

So today I say this to you, 

you are not forgotten. 

Peace is not out of your reach. 

God is bigger than anxiety and fear. 

God is a restorer of broken walls, and a redeemer of shattered dreams and hearts. 

God makes us whole again, even when the evil one has told us we are unrepairable. 

we are. 

Because all is possible with a Savior. 

I don't know why I wrote this post today. But I felt like it was for someone. 

This Christmas, know, KNOW, that wherever you are and however you feel, 

peace can be granted and given because GRACE is alive and active, 

and God is the most generous giver I know, and Jesus the best gift.  

peace be with you,

love Katie 

to journey with one's best friend

 it is so easy to become discontent

it's like one minute we're resting peace

and the next these big hazel eyes take their focus off the eternal

and onto the "could haves" 

and tonight amidst all the blessing

i sat raw in a pile of wishes

beating myself up for self-perceived wrong decisions

it's true, it happens to the best of us

but that's when i discover why Abba sends us out in two's

because when one falls down, the other is there to help them up

we're stronger when we have a truth teller on our side

because truth is light, and it pierces through that darkness in hurried sparks

ready to evoke and enhance the faith we cling to

kevin has this way of making me laugh, smile, and bask in God's truth

the truth that blessing surrounds. 

now. 

no need to look elsewhere. 

the truth that i make good decisions

and that God is pleased with me, 

and his love is like a never-ending well springing forth acceptance at ALL times

so I praise our Father for the gift of a journeyer 

by my side

that has committed his life to Abba and to me

the "i do"

that means a lifetime of love, patience support, and truth. 

yes, it is a gift to journey with a man of the Lord. 

because all the niceties aside,

on those bad days,

God uses those that know us most,

to breath his deep life upon us. 

love Katie 

may it be YOU

happy tuesday dearest friends

there are SO many things I want to blog about this week

my glorious weekend home in northern california, Dingle Ireland, the exciting ways Abba is brimming hope into our neighborhood redeeming despair.

too much I tell you!

but today I was humbled.

I was grounded. 

I was reminded that TIME is our life. 

and CHRIST is our confidence. 

Ann Voskamp beautifully awakens my soul,

"All you have here is one lifetime and time. is. your. life. When you spend time with someone, what you are freely giving away is your life. Do this — this is the way of God. But when you spend time with screens, what you are freely giving away might be your very soul. Isn’t this the way of insanity? Anything stealing your time, it’s stealing your life.

And that pressure you feel? To fit some mold, that very real pressure that’s trying to form you into the image of this crazy, trendy world? Resist it and write this on your heart:

What will keep you from doing much good — is caring too much what others think.

This isn’t only a phenomenon of adolescence. This can be the foolishness of adults.

What would the world look like if Christians didn’t care about keeping up with the Joneses but about keeping company with Christ?

Maybe we’d keep our souls from insecurity and our minds from insanity?

Maybe we could be brave enough to be different, have less and be more, and change the world?"

sweet Jesus, may it be YOU.
YOU that I waste my life on.
that sweet time languishes in your presence.
may reading books to 4 year old neighbors
and taking walks with sweet college girls
and payer with my husband
give way to screens.

because I only have just one life.
may it be YOU.
love Katie 

{visiting my sponsored Compassion child in Kenya}

Identity, it's thieves, and living free

{random side note, I LOVE these picture above...Kev, Izzy and I went mini golfing and found these glasses...oh the fun we had!}

A few weeks ago I was working a booth for ELI at Global Vision Week at Azusa Pacific University. I was in my element, connecting with students and telling and listening to stories. Don't you just LOVE stories:) But the most hilarious slash embarrassing part of the week, was the fact that after 27 years as a Katie, it was apparent that I have a speech impediment when it comes to saying my name, and only my name. It's true, for some reason "Katie" evidently comes out sounding like "Ketty" or "Casey" or "Callie". You might think i'm joking, but almost 80% of the time, people had to crane their ears my way, and ask me again what my name was, almost always insinuating it was something other than Katie. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or make an appointment with a speech therapist.

But as I was reflecting on my apparent lack of name pronunciation, I started to think about how our name is the doorway to our identity. I mean, the most basic form of Identification really just has your name on it, right? Identity is a strange beast. In childhood, we seem to just be completely free with who we are (for more on that, see my post on children here). We inherently move and think and breathe and laugh, oblivious to making a wrong move or saying the wrong thing.

And then the awkwardest stage alive hits us; our hormones start to party, and we finally realize that Payless Shoe source just doesn't cut it if we want to be cool. It's like the scene from Genesis when Adam and Eve realize they are naked for the first time, and cover up with fig branches (which I always thought was random). But for us, it's make-up and zit cream, and bad bangs, and airwalks (for my generation). But mostly it's the hard part of realizing that you are being judged and having no idea how to deal with it all. For me, seventh grade is when I began to lose that childlike confidence and wonder. I had a friend, who at times was a gem. And then at other times, was extremely sarcastic and hurtful. Whether or not she realized it, her cutting remarks and cold shoulders began to push me to live out of fear. I was fearful of saying the wrong thing, or worried that I wouldn't be funny if I tried. I began to think and re-think the things I wanted to say, timid that I would be shot down by her. My identity soon became marked by a crippling fear.

{see, now is this picture not awkward? what the heck am I even doing?}

And soon, like most insecurities and fears, we develop some way to compensate. For me, I replaced my personality with personal accomplishments. I thought that if somehow I was able to engage in enough applaudable endeavors, or travel to the most exotic destinations, people would pick out those treasures and consider me a person of value. But that gets tiring, when all we are is reduced to a resume or a superficial conversation that finds its foundation in one-uping the other person. Whew, tires me out just thinking about it. But to some degree, i'm sure you all can resonate with the futility of this exchange.

And then I moved to Garnet Lane, where people didn't give a darn about what the heck I had done with my life. No one dealt in resumes, or cared what University I went to. I don't think anyone even knew where UC Davis was. I was away from everything that I knew, and in the middle of the 'hood, where the tamale man was more common than the mailman, mariachi music was the disc of choice, and walking past the shrine to Mary became old hat. I was no one special, just a girl who began to "be" and not "do", to "observe and learn" and not "divide and conquer".

And then God began his business of undoing the skewed identity that had grown layers of peels around my fragile heart. He worked with hands so soft, bringing dear souls into my life to teach me what it looked like to just BE. In the past, my inner-multi-tasker would sound the alarm that I was invariably wasting time. But as God began to pump his likeness through me, he would gently whisper “Katie, as you look to ME for guidance, I enable you to do less, but accomplish more”. My eyes began to see the beauty in just sitting with a neighbor, or playing cards with a child– even if I felt like it was wasted time. I began to realize that God wants us to waste precious time WITH him, and with his people. No longer was identity in the doing, but in the being.

And then came a taste of freedom- of catching that vision that my identity was no longer rooted in fear, or driven by accomplishment. My identity blossomed when God taught me the beauty of obscurity that took eyes off ME, and on to HIM and his people. Freedom is when we live like Jesus, with a love so deep for Father and people that it burns with no competition in our hearts. I admit that I am only a student and that my great Rabbi is still teaching me daily. But I take steps, and my master guides my way.

And even if I can't pronounce my name, whatever! I don't care if you call me Ketty or Casey or Bertha....my identity is in Christ, it is no longer I who live but He!

Happy Tuesday!!

Love Katie